Psychology highlights the three colors most often chosen by people struggling with low self-esteem

The first time I noticed it was at a café in Fitzroy, years ago, on one of those Melbourne afternoons where the sky can’t decide between sunshine and rain. A young woman sat by the window, arms wrapped tightly around herself despite the spring warmth. Everything about her seemed to retreat inward – her voice, her shoulders… and the colours she wore. A washed-out grey jumper. Faded black jeans. A pale, almost colourless scarf. She looked like someone trying to disappear into the furniture.

The Quiet Language of Colour (That Most of Us Never Hear)

We like to think we choose colours because they’re “nice” or “go with our eyes” or match the new couch. But psychology, and a growing number of studies, suggest there’s something deeper at play – that our favourite colours may quietly echo how we feel about ourselves.

In Australia, we’re used to talking about the weather, the footy, maybe politics after a couple of drinks. But talking about self-esteem? That’s trickier. Yet sometimes, our inner life spills out in the most ordinary of places – our wardrobe, our bedroom walls, our phone cases.

Psychologists who study colour and emotion have noticed a pattern: three colours repeatedly show up in the lives of people struggling with low self-esteem. They’re not “bad” colours. They’re not cursed or dangerous. But they are often chosen, again and again, by people who don’t feel great about who they are.

Those three colours are:

• Grey
• Black
• Certain muted blues

If your heart just gave a little jump because your wardrobe is 80% black and grey, take a breath. This isn’t about diagnosing yourself based on your T-shirt. It’s about becoming curious: when I reach for these colours, what story am I telling about myself?

Grey: The Colour of Wanting to Blend In

Picture a winter morning in Hobart. The fog hangs low over the Derwent, the air smells faintly of wet eucalyptus, and everything feels… grey. There’s a kind of hush to that colour, a soft muting of the world. It’s calm. Gentle. Neutral.

For many Australians, grey is the safe choice. The grey hoodie, the grey office carpet, the grey doona cover from that big-box store we all know. It matches everything. It doesn’t shout. It never offends.

Psychologically, grey often turns up when people feel like they’re “too much” or, paradoxically, “not enough.” If your self-esteem has taken a battering – from a tough breakup, a brutal boss, social media comparisons, or just that relentless internal critic – grey can feel like a soft hiding place.

People with low self-esteem might gravitate to grey because:

• It helps them fade into the background, avoiding scrutiny or judgment.
• It feels emotionally safer than bold or bright colours, which can feel like a spotlight.
• It mirrors a sense of numbness or emotional flatness they feel inside.

In therapy rooms from Brisbane to Perth, psychologists quietly notice these choices. A client who once wore bright florals slowly shifts to stone, steel, and ash tones after a rough period. Another who’s always apologising for “taking up space” shows up every week in clothes that almost disappear into the wall.

Again, grey isn’t the villain here. The question is: is grey your preference, or is it your shield?

Black: Power on the Outside, Doubt on the Inside

Black in Australia is complicated. It’s the colour of sleek city outfits in Sydney and Melbourne, the band T-shirts at festivals, the sombre weight of funeral suits, and, for many, the deeply meaningful colours of the Aboriginal flag. It can be stylish, political, practical.

Psychologically though, black often plays double duty. On the outside, it projects control, authority, sophistication. On the inside, especially for those struggling with low self-esteem, it can be armour.

Think of the uni student in Adelaide who feels like an imposter in every tutorial. She buys black jeans, black boots, an oversized black jumper. It’s flattering. It “goes with everything.” But for her, it’s also about:

• Hiding parts of her body she feels ashamed of.
• Creating a clear, no-nonsense shell around messy emotions.
• Signalling “don’t look too closely at me.”

For someone who doesn’t feel worth noticing, black can be a perfect paradox: it’s stylish enough to pass, but still dark enough to feel like a barrier.

In colour psychology, black is often linked with boundaries, distance, and sometimes hopelessness. People who feel chronically low about themselves might lean hard into black when they’re trying to feel tougher than they believe they are. “If I wear black,” they think, “maybe I’ll look like I’ve got it together.”

Sometimes they do. But underneath, the self-talk stays brutal: I’m not good enough. I’m a mess. Everyone else is doing better than me. The colour doesn’t cause the shame – it simply clothes it.

Muted Blues: The Soft, Sad End of the Spectrum

Now imagine the Pacific off the New South Wales coast on a cloudy day. Not the bright, postcard turquoise that sells holidays overseas, but the gentle, washed-out blue that appears when the sun is hiding and the water feels just a bit colder. That’s the blue we’re talking about.

Blue in its bolder, brighter shades is often linked with confidence, clarity, and calm. But the muted, grey-touched blues – the ones that look a little tired, a little worn out – can reflect something different.

For many Australians wrestling with low self-esteem, these soft blues feel familiar. They’re comforting but a bit melancholy, like an old favourite jumper you pull on when you’re not quite up to facing the world.

People drawn to these shades may be feeling:

• Persistent self-doubt and a quiet sadness about who they are.
• Emotionally drained, like their energy and confidence have both been diluted.
• More comfortable with “background” roles and invisible support than being seen.

That’s not to say if you love a dusty blue linen shirt you’re secretly full of self-loathing. But if your emotional landscape has recently shifted – a job loss in a mining town, a divorce in a coastal suburb, the long tail of the pandemic’s isolation – you might notice yourself slipping more and more into these gentle, low-energy blues.

A Quick Look: Colours and Self-Esteem Signals

Here’s a simple overview of how these colours can show up when self-esteem is low. It’s not a diagnosis, just a starting point for reflection.

Colour	Common Emotional Themes	Possible Self-Esteem Messages
Grey	Neutrality, withdrawal, emotional numbness	“I don’t want to be noticed.” “My presence shouldn’t disturb anyone.”
Black	Protection, control, distance	“I need armour.” “If you really saw me, you wouldn’t like me.”
Muted Blues	Sadness, fatigue, quietness	“I’m tired of pretending I’m okay.” “I’m not as bright as others.”

Australia’s Colours Outside, Our Doubts Inside

Step outside almost anywhere on this continent and you’re met with colour that doesn’t apologise for existing. Uluru glowing red in the afternoon sun. The wild yellow of wattle in bloom. The electric aqua of a Queensland reef shallows. Even the suburbs get in on it – jacaranda purple raining down on parked cars, hot pink bougainvillea climbing a cracked fence.

And yet, inside our homes – and often inside ourselves – the palette can be strangely drained.

Walk into a share house in Canberra and you might find grey couches, white walls, a black TV, a few pale blue cushions. Sit in a corporate office tower in Sydney and the colours thin out even more. We’re surrounded by a kind of emotional beige, even when our landscapes are shouting in technicolour.

For Australians living with low self-esteem, this gap between outer vibrancy and inner dullness can feel sharp. “Everyone else seems so alive,” a client might say, “and I just feel… muted.” They scroll through feeds of friends at Rottnest Island, Byron Bay, the Daintree – all bright water and brighter smiles – and look down at their own black trackies and grey socks.

It’s tempting to think: if I could just buy a sunflower-yellow dress, maybe I’d finally feel confident. But it doesn’t work quite like that. Colour can support change – it can be a small, meaningful nudge – but it’s rarely the starting point. First, you have to notice the story you’re already telling with the colours you choose.

Gently Rewriting Your Colour Story

Working with self-esteem is slow, tender work. It’s more than a makeover, more than a shopping trip. But colour can become a surprisingly helpful companion on that journey, especially when approached with curiosity rather than force.

Some ideas that psychologists and counsellors around Australia sometimes suggest:

• Start tiny, not dramatic. Instead of throwing out every black item you own, add a single small piece of colour – a soft green scarf, a warm rust-coloured tote, a coral notebook. Let your nervous system get used to being seen in little ways.
• Match the land, not the lie. When your inner critic says, “You’re nothing special,” try choosing colours that echo the Australian landscapes you love – the rich red of desert earth, the deep navy of the night sky at a campsite, the olive green of bushland after rain. Let the outside world lend you some of its quiet strength.
• Notice, don’t judge. If you catch yourself reaching for the same grey T-shirt every morning, pause. Ask: “What am I hoping this colour will do for me today?” There’s no wrong answer. It’s about awareness, not shame.
• Use colour as a permission slip. Some people find that wearing a slightly brighter or warmer colour gives them permission to behave 2% kinder to themselves that day. Not a dramatic personality shift – just answering one email without apologising three times, or speaking up once in a meeting.
• Bring colour into your space first. If your body feels too vulnerable, start with your environment. A burnt-orange cushion on the couch. A mustard throw. A plant pot in rich teal. Sometimes our bedroom or living room is ready for change before we are.

Most importantly, remember this: your love of grey, black, or blue does not condemn you. These colours can be beautiful, powerful, elegant. The key is whether they’re an expression of who you are – or a hiding place from who you think you’re not allowed to be.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does loving black, grey, or blue mean I definitely have low self-esteem?

No. Colour preferences are shaped by culture, fashion, personality, practicality, and taste. These three colours are more common among people with low self-esteem, but they don’t diagnose anything on their own. What matters is the emotional reason behind your choices and how you feel about yourself overall.

Are bright colours always linked to high self-esteem?

Not always. Some people use bright colours as a mask, projecting confidence they don’t feel inside. Others genuinely feel energised and authentic in bold colours. Again, the “why” matters more than the “what.” Ask how you feel in the colour, not just how it looks.

Is this research relevant to Australians specifically?

Most colour psychology research comes from Western contexts, which includes Australia, but cultural meanings of colour can still vary across communities and First Nations cultures. The patterns described here broadly apply in Australian settings, but personal and cultural context always matters.

Can changing the colours I wear improve my self-esteem?

Colour alone won’t heal deep self-esteem wounds, but it can be a gentle tool in a bigger toolbox. Small shifts in colour can support therapy, self-compassion practices, and lifestyle changes by nudging your mood and sense of identity. Think of it as a supportive sidekick, not the main hero.

How do I know if my self-esteem is a real problem, not just a bad week?

If negative thoughts about yourself are frequent, intense, and persistent – and they’re affecting your relationships, work, study, or willingness to try new things – it may be more than a passing slump. In Australia, talking to a GP, psychologist, or counsellor can help you figure out what’s going on. Colour can give you clues, but a conversation with a professional can give you a roadmap.