Psychology exposes 9 sneaky phrases selfish people use daily and why friends who ignore them might be just as toxic

The first time I realised something was badly off was on a dusty track in the Grampians. A friend—let’s call him Dan—had convinced a bunch of us to hike an “easy” trail. By midday the sun felt like it was sitting directly on our shoulders, and one of our mates, Mia, was clearly struggling. She asked if we could stop for water. Dan laughed it off. “You’re overreacting, it’s not that hot,” he said, striding ahead. We all exchanged an awkward look, then did what we always did. We followed him. Later, as we sat under a stringybark tree watching the light fade, it dawned on me that the real heat of the day wasn’t from the sun. It came from a quiet kind of cruelty we’d all been pretending not to feel, wrapped in casual little phrases that sounded normal—until you really listened.

The Quiet Language of Selfishness

Selfish people rarely walk around twirling imaginary villain moustaches. They’re much more subtle than that. Their power often hides in language: small, rehearsed lines that twist reality just enough to keep them comfortable and keep you doubting yourself.

In Australian culture, where we pride ourselves on being laid-back, straightforward, and fair, these phrases can slip past our radar even more easily. We joke, we downplay, we “she’ll be right” our way through discomfort. But psychological research into gaslighting, boundary violations, and narcissistic behaviour shows that the words people choose are rarely accidental. They’re behavioural fingerprints.

And here’s the uncomfortable bit: the friends who hear these phrases and shrug—who tell you to “just ignore it”—aren’t always neutral bystanders. Sometimes, they’re part of the problem.

Nine Sneaky Phrases Selfish People Use Every Day

Not every person who uses these lines is a full-blown narcissist. Sometimes we all slip into defensive or lazy speech when stressed. But when these phrases become a pattern—especially when combined with a lack of empathy—it’s worth paying attention.

1. “You’re too sensitive.”

This one usually drips out after you’ve finally worked up the courage to say, “That hurt my feelings.” Instead of engaging with what you felt, they flip the light back onto you. The problem isn’t what they did; it’s how you reacted. Psychologically, this is a classic minimising tactic. It trains you to distrust your emotional radar.

In an Aussie context, where “toughening up” and not making a fuss are often praised, this phrase lands especially hard. It whispers, Your feelings are an inconvenience. The more you hear it, the smaller you make yourself.

2. “I was only joking, relax.”

There’s a certain kind of joke that doesn’t feel like a joke at all. Maybe it’s about your weight, your job, your accent, your family. You wince, they smirk, and when you push back you’re told you “can’t take a joke.”

Psychologists call this “masked hostility”: aggression dressed as humour. It allows the speaker to land emotional punches while dodging responsibility. Here, the pressure is on you to either laugh along or be labelled uptight or boring. Over time, you learn to laugh at your own expense, just to keep the peace.

3. “If you really cared, you’d…”

This line weaponises affection. It turns care into a test you can never quite pass. “If you really cared, you’d come out tonight.” “If you really loved me, you’d lend me the money.”

It’s emotional blackmail in polite clothing. Instead of expressing a need directly—“I’d really like your support with this”—they tie your moral worth to your compliance. It’s not about understanding your limits; it’s about bending you to theirs.

4. “You always make everything about you.”

This one is particularly sneaky because it sounds self-aware, almost noble. Sometimes, sure, people do derail conversations. But selfish people use this phrase most when you try to share legitimate feelings or point out a hurt they caused.

In therapy terms, this is projection: accusing you of the very behaviour they’re engaged in. They’re actually the one making it all about them—by shutting down your experience in favour of their comfort.

5. “I never said that, you’re remembering it wrong.”

Now we’re in gaslighting territory. You recall a conversation one way, they flat-out deny it or rewrite it. There’s no curiosity, no “Really? That’s not how I remember it, but let’s talk.” It’s just: you’re wrong.

Do this enough and a person starts doubting their memory, then their judgement, then themselves. Gaslighting doesn’t have to be dramatic to be effective; it can happen over minor everyday moments, slowly sanding down your sense of reality.

6. “Everyone else thinks I’m right.”

Sometimes they’ll add names: “Even Sarah agrees with me.” Whether or not Sarah has actually said anything is often beside the point. This phrase pulls in imaginary or partial consensus to make you feel like the odd one out.

Social psychology shows how powerful group pressure is in shaping behaviour and opinions. By implying that “everyone else” is on their side, they’re tapping directly into your fear of exclusion—something many of us know all too well from schoolyards, workplaces, and even family gatherings.

7. “You’re lucky I even…”

“You’re lucky I even stayed.” “You’re lucky I even gave you a lift.” “You’re lucky I even talk to you after what you did.” Underneath this is the message: I am the prize. You are the burden.

This re-frames basic decency or mutual effort as a grand act of generosity. It keeps you off-balance and grateful for crumbs, instead of calmly expecting reciprocity and respect.

8. “That’s just how I am. Take it or leave it.”

This sounds like authenticity, but it’s actually rigidity. It says, “I will not reflect. I will not grow. The compromise here is entirely your job.”

Healthy people might say, “I struggle with this, but I’m trying,” or “This is a quirk of mine; how can we meet in the middle?” The selfish version uses “that’s just me” as a shield against accountability.

9. “Stop being so dramatic.”

Here, legitimate emotional expression is cast as a performance. It nudges you to mute your reactions so they don’t have to face the impact of their behaviour. Meanwhile, they often reserve the right to have full-blown reactions of their own.

Over time, you learn that the safest emotional temperature around them is lukewarm at best. Anything more is labelled “too much.”

Why Friends Who Ignore These Phrases Might Be Just as Toxic

It’s one thing to encounter these lines from a single person. It’s another when the people around you hear them and look away—or worse, tell you it’s not a big deal. In Australian friendship circles, where banter and “taking the piss” are almost a love language, it can be even harder to call this stuff out without being told you’re reading too much into it.

But psychology has a term for those who stand by while emotional harm happens: enablers. They may not be the ones using the phrases, but they help create the environment where those phrases thrive.

Here’s how this enabling often sounds:

• “That’s just how he is, don’t let it get to you.”
• “She’s like that with everyone, don’t take it personally.”
• “You know what he’s like after a few beers.”
• “It’s not worth the drama, just drop it.”

On the surface, these friends might seem like peacekeepers. Underneath, they’re telling you that maintaining the group’s comfort is more important than your wellbeing. They are, consciously or not, choosing the person who causes the harm over the person who speaks up about it.

What You Hear	What It Often Really Means
“You’re too sensitive.”	Your feelings are inconvenient to me.
“I was only joking.”	I want to insult you without consequences.
“If you really cared, you’d…”	Your love is a tool I can manipulate.
“Everyone else thinks I’m right.”	I’m using peer pressure to silence you.
“That’s just how I am.”	I refuse to take responsibility or change.

When your friends brush off your discomfort, they’re not neutral. They’re sending a clear psychological message: “We’d prefer you quietly absorb this than make us confront it.” Over time, that can feel just as damaging as the original comments. You stop trusting not only the selfish person, but the entire circle around them.

Listening to Your Gut: The Body Remembers What the Mind Excuses

Long before your brain articulates, “Hey, that was a toxic thing to say,” your body has usually clocked it. Australian psychologists who work with trauma and chronic stress often talk about the physiological signs of emotional danger: tight chest, clenched jaw, shallow breath, sudden fatigue.

Think about the last time you left a catch-up with someone and felt oddly drained, flat, or slightly ashamed without knowing why. That may have been your nervous system sounding an alarm your conscious mind hadn’t translated yet.

When you hear any of these nine phrases, notice what your body does:

• Do your shoulders creep up towards your ears?
• Do you suddenly struggle to find the words to respond?
• Do you feel an urge to apologise, even if you’re not sure what for?

These signals matter. They’re not proof that someone is evil, but they’re strong data points that something in the dynamic needs attention.

What Healthy Friendship Sounds Like

Spotting unhealthy patterns is only half the story. The other half is knowing what healthier language looks and feels like—especially in a culture where it can sometimes feel “soft” or “too serious” to speak plainly about emotions.

Healthier friends might say things like:

• “I didn’t realise that hurt you. Tell me more so I can get it right next time.”
• “I stand by what I feel, but I’m open to hearing your side.”
• “I’m joking, but if it’s not funny for you, I’ll stop.”
• “I need this from you, but I understand if you have limits.”
• “I don’t fully agree, but your feelings are valid.”

Notice the difference? There’s room for two realities. There’s curiosity. There’s accountability. Nobody is perfect—plenty of kind, decent Aussies still struggle to talk about feelings without taking the mickey. But when they care, they try. That effort is the line between clumsy and cruel.

Choosing Yourself Without Becoming Hard

Once you start noticing these phrases, it can be tempting to swing the other way—to build metaphorical walls higher than a cyclone fence, to distrust everyone who jokes roughly, to punish yourself for not leaving sooner. But the goal here isn’t to become cold. It’s to become clear.

Clarity might look like:

• Gently calling out phrases when they land badly: “When you say I’m too sensitive, it makes me feel dismissed.”
• Watching what people do after you set a boundary: do they adjust, mock, or punish you?
• Noticing who in your circle minimises the problem versus who leans in and listens.
• Taking space from people whose words reliably leave you feeling smaller.

You are allowed to want friendships that feel like a walk along a quiet Queensland beach at dusk: honest, a bit windswept at times, but ultimately calm and safe. You are allowed to stop hiking up emotional mountains with people who insist it’s “not that hot” while you’re scraping your knees on the rocks.

FAQs

How do I know if someone is truly selfish or just having a bad day?

Look for patterns, not one-off moments. Everyone snaps or says clumsy things sometimes. A selfish or toxic pattern shows up repeatedly over time, especially when you give feedback. If they regularly dismiss your feelings, dodge responsibility, or flip blame back onto you, that’s more than a bad day.

What if I use some of these phrases myself?

Noticing that you’ve used them is actually a healthy sign of self-awareness. Instead of panicking, get curious. Ask yourself what you were trying to avoid—discomfort, guilt, vulnerability. Then practice repairing: “I brushed you off earlier, and that wasn’t fair. I want to understand your side properly.”

How can I respond in the moment when someone says, “You’re too sensitive” or “Stop being dramatic”?

You could try calm, clear responses such as:

• “I’m allowed to feel how I feel, even if you don’t agree.”
• “Calling me dramatic doesn’t help. Can we talk about what actually happened?”
• “You might see it differently, but this matters to me.”

If they continue to dismiss you, that tells you a lot about the future of the relationship.

Are friends who stay neutral really toxic?

Not always. Some people freeze in conflict, or they’ve grown up believing keeping the peace is the kindest thing to do. But if, over time, they consistently minimise your pain and side-step obvious disrespect, they become part of the environment that allows it to continue. That may not make them malicious, but it does make the friendship unsafe for you.

How do I start setting boundaries without feeling guilty?

Expect guilt at first—especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. Start small: limit how long you stay at draining catch-ups, say “I’m not comfortable with that joke,” or take longer to reply to messages that demand emotional labour you don’t have. Remind yourself that boundaries aren’t punishments; they’re instructions for how to treat you well. Over time, the guilt usually fades and is replaced by relief.